I don't know what I really wanted in life. They say that what you always love to do when you are a kid it is the very thing that you will do as a career but that thing lead to other path. When I was still a child I don't know why I wanted to be a Stewardess. Maybe I have read it somewhere or have watched it on tv because that time internet in not possible so that thing was always came to my mouth when someone asked me what my ambition is but they always laughed at me considering I am not that tall enough as being one you should be tall (Discrimination eh). Funny enough it is but it quite hurts knowing I can't fulfill that dream of mine. When I set foot in high school that ambition became a blur but sometimes I'm thinking about it and asking myself "What if?" and had changed to being a nurse as my Mom always told me and maybe what I have thought (I don't quite sure) and at that time Nurse abroad got in demand so I made a promise to become a Registered Nurse someday to help my family.
That promise became a reality and I passed my board examination 2 years ago and have exercised it by training in one of the Hospital far from our house just to be able to get the certificate I need to work abroad the hospital issues because most of the hospitals in our city just give a voluntary certification and not the employment one so I take the courage and really spend a lot of money for transportation, boarding house and food just to have the certification they are offering and the other sad part is to pay more of what I could get. After months of training I have learned actually minimal things the entire duration of my training. I get to work 3-4x a week and do the same routine every time. That's actually not tiring but a lax work rather but still I haven't get to learn a lot and not experience complications so I have thought I don't have that much experience to be able to pursue and continue it after that. I have this negativity towards what I can do and doubt myself whether I'll be an effective or just making things worst. I don't know what I really should do with my life, if this career is for me or I just don't get serious about it (my bad I don't study hard enough) or it is not what I really love to do as a career. But there's actually the upside of being away and be on your own, it's the joy of being yourself, to do what you want to do minus the nags and cautions of your family at home but I didn't say you don't have to listen to your parents. I love them very much it's just that sometimes hearing them whine every time is so tiring. The most special thing from being away is meeting new people and they become your friends in the process. I have treasured that a lot and I'm happy for it.
I already have finished my training and got my certificate of employment and still have no work for over a year now because I'm still thinking if this is really for me. I just wish I could turn back time and do other things than that. So What now? Do I have to find and be devoted to my profession or do I have to explore what my real passion is? There's a lot of things running in my mind and I always got confuse. I want to do so many things and be successful but I didn't do anything to make it happen (negativity strikes) plus the "Fear of the Unknown" thing. The society or neighborhood and my family also makes me feel like I have to do the right thing where I have to pursue what I have started considering I have spend fortune just to finished my studies and all that (so I thought they have thought) but I feel it doesn't quite right and that makes me not proud to be called a Nurse.
Right now, I don't have the courage to do it or search for what I really like to do but eventually and hopefully I will be able to take the courage and take a leap outside of my comfort zone very soon besides I can't stay like this forever. Wish me luck! ⚓
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